Day Twenty-Four

I must first apologize for my two day hiatus. I decided to use my persistent illness as an excuse to take the short blogging hiatus which I promised over the Christmas holiday and, of which my friend Jess has gleefully reminded me, I neglected to fulfill. Hopefully, you were not glued to the computer, neurotically refreshing the screen, waiting for a new, brilliant post to appear...

This past week of indisposition has left me contemplating the identity of this blog in my post-smoker life. It's initial conception, of course, was to operate as both a crutch and incentive through monetary loss and public humiliation. In that regard, it has been a success, and I extend my gratitude to all of you who have supported me with your gracious and patient eyes. My success is your love.

As the cravings and urges have subsided, I feel it safe to finally turn my gaze outward from my self. I have been wondering why I would have been drawn to this self-destructive act of smoking cigarettes. Obviously, there is the 'cool' factor and the 'fuck the world' ideology, but I am not the world. I chose to smoke as an act of rebellion in some sort of way, but why should this rebellion revolve around the destruction of my one and only body?

I have always felt uncomfortable in my body, and I am not sure if I will ever transcend that unfortunate fact, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that my body is inextricably connected with myself; that it is me. If my body is poisoned, then I am poisoned. If my body is starved, then I am starved. Of course, the second part of these statements may be and certainly should be considered in both its literal and figurative manners. What I do to my body I am doing to my SELF. I am my body.

I would like to take this final paragraph to reflect on a certain friend who has been on my mind the past week or so. This being not only the end of the month but the end of the year, I encourage you to try to escape the trap of time in which you have confined yourself now for years. Having shed myself of this smoking burden, I feel incredibly and bizarrely free. I am no longer defined by that act and I wish you the same. I am, finally, just me. You are beautiful, and it is time for your REAL self to burst through its shackles and shine fully. I know you can do it!