Didn't I mention before I love numbers? I particularly love square numbers. Seven times Seven makes Forty-Nine. There is a perfect beauty in the organic fluidity between these normally unconnected entities: seven, four, and nine. Seven weeks of seven days. It's kind of like 1:11 this past January first.
Why is it, then, on this magnificent day and milestone, that really want to smoke a cigarette? Why do I want to walk to the 7-11 down the street and buy an overpriced pack of cigarettes; smoke one, and then toss the rest of the pack away? I just want one; only one. I don't want the entire pack. Frankly, as I imagine myself walking down the street with peaked expectation, I know that I probably wouldn't even be able to finish the entire cig. I would either find my head spinning so vigorously that I could hardly breathe, or my newly cleansed lungs merely would reject the offering.
But this still gets me back to why. I'm not fiending as I have previously. I'm not feeling my innards quiver with need. No sweat is accumulating on my brow. I'm not getting abnormally pissed off at something or someone or everything. Actually, I'm in a fairly excellent mood. I can not blame this desire on any other external source except myself, and I don't know why. I think about my last taste of a cig and that isn't enticing me either.
Perhaps this is like my random cravings for sushi; to go on a literary spending spree on Amazon; to browse the power tools at Home Depot; to finally try acid for the first time. Now I am beginning to understand. This is just my way of trying to be a good consuming American I think. I love consumption, and utter despise that part my myself. It has been my goal to extract this consumerist poison from my blood, and, in a way, my quitting seems to overlap with that end. All of these given things (including cigarettes) are luxuries in their own ways. I need a cig just as much as I need to eat expensive raw fish or expand my library or make myself feel more manly or expand my mind (man), even though these all provide their own positives.
So please, don't blame me. I'm just a good old fashioned American trying to do my part to save the economy and not drain social security by living to see retirement while helping to keep the most fucked up of all corporations cruising along.
I dig.
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