Man. I don't even remember what it is to write a blog anymore. I have no idea what happened.
What was this thing all about anyway? I'm confused...
Was there a time when I smoked cigarettes?
I keep on having these sleeps where I wake up and look for something and want to do something, but can't remember at all what exactly it is, until I do. I'm looking for my cigarettes.
And I must be out then, so I'll stop by the store on my way to work and grab a pack; but how much were they again? $6.03? Eh, just break a 10 this time and save the change for later. Maybe ask for smaller coins...
Where is this Real, anymore? What makes me a smoker?
Am I still a smoker? Is one's extent of smokerness reliant upon the quantity of smokes inhaled; total amount of smokes smoked in one's life? So, once you pass the one-thousand cigarette threshold, you're in the club? Alright, then I smoked for nine years; first couple years were maybe three per week. And then three years at least one pack per day, and then a few more at about four packs per week - can't forget the two packs of Camel Filters devoured per day freshmen year of college (ugh). That brings us to a rough estimate of 33,672 - thirty-three thousand, six-hundred and seventy-two. Is it possible I did the math wrong here? I did use a calculator...
Now I have myself thinking about the possible things I have done thirty-three thousand times in my lifetime: breathe, maybe eat things (definitely chew stuff), hopefully kissed my beautiful wife. Hm. This is tricky. But I did make the smokers team.
And I still keep thinking like a smoker. And my mind keeps on tricking me into thinking I am a smoker. I even contemplated borrowing one of Ryan's helpless, unassuming cigarettes in the server station on Sunday evening for no apparent reason. I wasn't particularly interested in smoking one. They just looked really nice in their perfect, self-contained box; I wanted to see what I already knew was inside. Silly me.
And still, the mystery remains: Am I still a smoker? What is a smoker?
You were a smoker. Now you're not. Believe it.
ReplyDeleteAhhh! Your wife loves you soo much. But listen to reality!!! Just like an alcoholic is always an alcoholic, you will always be a smoker! When you forget this you'll fall, as I always have. I respect you so much for stopping and continuing (?) to stop. Remember, I stopped for 3 years, and one beautiful day before refing a soccer game (sun shining, clean & cool air tickleing my pure freshly resurfaced lungs), the demon resurfaced and tricked me. Like Adam fell under the nudging of Eve, I fell to a seemingly insignificant voice, "It's ok, you're no longer a smoker, you can have one once in a while: ...like on this beautiful day"! AH liar demon!! And, yes, your memory is to remind you, whenever you remember to listen to it, of past, not only mistakes, but good things you've done; one of which is quitting!! So, remember. Peace!
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